I have been feeling out of sorts for some time. There is a bit of longing for something different, a bit of feeling overwhelmed, and a bit of general malaise. I feeling that I am missing something, or life is going differently than I want it to, but then if you ask I can't tell you how I would want it. Or maybe it is a feeling of being out of control but that really isn't it either. I can't really explain it but it has been to the point that I haven't even been carrying knitting with me. I can't tell you the last time I started something or pulled out my camera to record a memorable meal. Just general malaise. I am not sure what it is but have decided to get past it. My mother gave me a Mary Engelbreit mug when I was at University that said "snap out of it". Maybe now is a time to follow this advice.
When I read Tea's recent post, I was able to relate. In many ways I have been doing this quite a bit of late. Accepting contentment rather than striving for more. Not rocking the boat. I think of one of my nieces who would often say "I can't, I am too little" or some other self limiting phrase that wasn't a reflection from what she was hearing from the adults around her. What is it that makes playing it safe, having an overwrought sense of responsibility, and limiting our dreams and actions a part of our personality? Is it really fear? fear of rejection? fear of failure? Or is it just that some of us are pre-programed to play it safe while others are risk takers and challenge facers? Or more accurately, a combination of both. As someone who has rock climbed, lived in countries the US had travel advisories against and only applied to one college my junior year, it would be inaccurate to say that I don't take risks -- but there are other ways in which I limit myself and often it may be unnecessarily. Is our greatest failing really inaction?
But then, I am not really sure where I am going with this reflection. Is there something I have been putting off or not doing? I almost feel as if I have been the opposite lately. Maybe even a little self indulgent. I even signed up to take the Foreign Service Officer Test again (although I am not entirely sure how I feel about that or how I would feel if I made it through all of those hoops this time).But I am going to try to reconnect with my creative side so before I head off for a Board retreat (read too many hours of sitting in meetings and trainings), I am going to pull out some yarn and start some knitting. Maybe something brightly colored to ward off this malaise that keeps creeping in.